"Awareness requires a rupture with the world we take for granted; then old categories of experience are called into question and revised."Shoshana Zuboff (from Sojo Verse and Voice)
MS can take things away from a person slowly, so they may not even notice the small things. They notice the big things...
- can't walk as far
- foot drag
- need assistance walking
- use a wheelchair to regain freedom to go places
those "old categories of experience."
And so I thought I noticed everything I took for granted.
But I didn't notice everything at all - in fact I missed a lot, so now I can call them, the old noticeable, into question and revise them.
Now I'm more keenly aware of the smaller things I took for granted that for now, I have back...
- tap my foot
- lift my leg
- balance sitting
- stand by myself for a bit
- closing my eyes while sitting and holding hands
- sitting on the edge of my wheelchair and reaching my arms to the sky
- using both hands at the same time to wash my hair in the morning
- on my back, sitting up without having to roll on my stomach
It's like I'm being shown "these are the things you didn't realize you missed," where life was ruptured, like
- how many muscles are used to stand (stomach and back)
- multiple muscles used to lift a foot
- walking - so much to consider - bigger steps are more effective, while pushing feet into the ground while kicking with each step while lifting up with each step while also trying to stand straighter - I never thought of all these things involved in walking.
I can imagine getting up and walking across the kitchen without support, but I can't do it. The imagination of it is somehow freeing.
Mostly these things are invisible to others,
but I learn more of what not to take for granted.
And despite the horrible insomnia and off and on nausea, becoming more keenly aware seems to make life more amazingly beautiful.
And I thank God for being with me on so many journeys, including this one, a much different one than the usual MS journeys where God is there in a different way.
"Awareness requires a rupture with the world we take for granted; then old categories of experience are called into question and revised."