Thursday, August 20, 2009

Different worlds, one person

There are so many struggles in life, and one is the struggle of balance: of balancing work, education, health, family, friends, and on and on. Each part of life has its own struggles. Put them together, and it's ... difficult to put together. I'm sure having MS complicates everything.

I have work. I like work and am trying to figure out what to do with my life, which is where education comes in--between the 2 I will try to figure it out. Something draws me to policy--something mixing disability with healthcare. I'm not sure where that combination will lead. So I spend time thinking of that.

Then I spend time in my athletic world, in a world in which athletics brings me together with others with disabilities. There is a sense of belonging there, of somehow understanding--at least I feel more understood. There is the sense that I can do things I would not imagine I could do. Maybe I can't do them perfectly, but I can do them. There is a sense there that disability can in a sense vanish, that I can laugh more than I laugh other places, that I can let things go. And as I make contacts with others with disabilities, those feelings strengthen and almost bring me back to when I didn't have this disability I hate so very much.

And then there is family, the biggest. Mom guilt follows me everywhere. At work I can feel like I am failing as a mom. When I am in my disability world, there are times the mom guilt creeps in. When I study, it is the worst. I love being a mom--it's what I always wanted. I love being a part of our family--family is so important to me.

Forces everywhere pull and tug. MS consumes energy and makes each of these areas even more of a challenge.

I suppose all I can hope is that I can muddle through it all, be the best mom I can be, hope I do something for the world, and hope that it all makes sense at some point. And I can hope someone is leading me through this ever-turning, ever-changing maze.

Thursday, August 6, 2009


My poor diary had to suffer while I "suffered through Administrative Law. But I survived!

On Facebook, I copied and pasted this neat idea where people can post memories. It was fun and interesting to see what people remembered about me...

- pushing me down the church hall, in Bart (my walker).
- many years back, when no one knew why I had trouble walking, and remembering wondering why the doctors didn't talk to each other--that might have led to something
- my passion for education surrounding people with disabilities.
- some things I don't remember, because life has brought me so much, good and bad.
- funny memories from right after high school.
- a recent handcycling memory.
- me visiting someone in the hospital, which was a surprise to the person but such things are important to me.

Memories span a lifetime--the good, the bad, the ugly, and the unknown. Hopefully, more happy memories are to be made. And though I often forget, God is there, supporting me through each and every one of them.

Thanks be to God.