Thursday, August 20, 2009

Different worlds, one person

There are so many struggles in life, and one is the struggle of balance: of balancing work, education, health, family, friends, and on and on. Each part of life has its own struggles. Put them together, and it's ... difficult to put together. I'm sure having MS complicates everything.

I have work. I like work and am trying to figure out what to do with my life, which is where education comes in--between the 2 I will try to figure it out. Something draws me to policy--something mixing disability with healthcare. I'm not sure where that combination will lead. So I spend time thinking of that.

Then I spend time in my athletic world, in a world in which athletics brings me together with others with disabilities. There is a sense of belonging there, of somehow understanding--at least I feel more understood. There is the sense that I can do things I would not imagine I could do. Maybe I can't do them perfectly, but I can do them. There is a sense there that disability can in a sense vanish, that I can laugh more than I laugh other places, that I can let things go. And as I make contacts with others with disabilities, those feelings strengthen and almost bring me back to when I didn't have this disability I hate so very much.

And then there is family, the biggest. Mom guilt follows me everywhere. At work I can feel like I am failing as a mom. When I am in my disability world, there are times the mom guilt creeps in. When I study, it is the worst. I love being a mom--it's what I always wanted. I love being a part of our family--family is so important to me.

Forces everywhere pull and tug. MS consumes energy and makes each of these areas even more of a challenge.

I suppose all I can hope is that I can muddle through it all, be the best mom I can be, hope I do something for the world, and hope that it all makes sense at some point. And I can hope someone is leading me through this ever-turning, ever-changing maze.

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