"Let us pray." And THAT is what I needed, right before being assisting minister at church today. That kind of Pause, to collect thoughts, to be "in the moment," distractions removed. I don't think I've been a part of that pre-service prayer in other times. ... Pause ...
The moment ... we joined hands ... we prayed ... I closed my eyes ... holding hands ... not losing balance (new) ... in that moment ... closing eyes, holding hands, holding steady ... God in that place ... Pause ...
It's aside from all this that life is chaotic. Recently, frustration - people do not understand - having a certificate, something official - it doesn't qualify someone to decide what is best for people who have disabilities. But clearly, many people think they are qualified to make decisions for us - which would be fine - if they asked us - especially when we repeatedly offer to give guidance. And it seems that most places I turn, there it is. There's a flyer with a guy going off a diving board, launching himself from a hospital wheelchair, doing a cannon ball. Clearly this wasn't shown to many people because launching off a diving board would be almost impossible; the guy has leg muscles (in people with wheelchairs, generally muscles have attrified); his legs are raised to do the happy cannon ball rather than down; and most people who are independent enough to launch off a diving board will have their own, "cool" wheelchair. This is just one example.
But I see the effort is there. The effort is usually there. The intent is almost always great. And you can tell which things have had input from those with disabilities and those without.
But back to Pausing...
Out on my deck this afternoon, the leaves have or are turning. They are beautiful. It's a gorgeous scene. My daughter is in the front raking leaves with the neighbor kids and throwing them in the air - laughing, smiling, no cares in the world.
... Pause ...
... Tears ...
This was not how things were supposed to be, I think. I'm not sure exactly what I mean. It's something with life. Bad day - insomnia, nausea --> not eating --> migraine.
But this is short-lived. Tomorrow I get to present with someone who is a minority in a different way than me, but she is part of the group with whom so many people with disabilities can relate. And we will discuss, and laugh, and get away to do a presentation.
And although today I have realized frustrations, I have also, finally, taken time to Pause, hand it to God.
... Pause ...
Peace.
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