Thursday, July 1, 2010

The invisible storm

Every 6 months, every 5 months, and then luck - 9 months - a long time - between MS attacks where I go on high dose Prednisone - a steroid - to get better fron an MS attack. It's worked really well this time - the steroids, that is.

"It's the most fantastic, horrific ride," someone said. That it is. Done now, mostly. Relief.

Backtrack a few days.

On steroids, I awake. My legs are still and very calm. I lie there and imagine what it must be like to wake up without leg spasms. So calm. So peaceful. Intense calm and peace.

I'm on the way to work. Steroid fury. I wonder if this is what road rage is. Could that BMW SUV in front of me just GET OUT of my way, now? Could I charge forward to move them, even though there are other cars right in front of them? Deep breaths.

Staying around people. It keeps the edge off this really angry person who is inside me for a time.

Then again, people are talking at work. Could they all just be quiet and go away?

Is there a place I can go scream?

No one knows this is going on - I want an identification band - "Woman on high dose steroids; treat with care; may want to stay clear."

Doesn't anyone care? Wait, no one knows.

"I've been on steroids for asthma - I know what it's like." Nope. Sorry - asthma gets you 60mg per day; MS gets you 500-1000mg per day. I don't want help - everyone - go away. Leave me alone.

I half the dosages this time - I feel I'm getting better and I'm tired of being mad at the whole world (except in the morning).

I come off steroids. My face breaks out. My head hurts and itches at the same time. I'd like to sit in the shower and wash my hair all day to deal with this.

I go on. I feel much better. Physically I feel completely better. Lori and Dave survived any potential yelling outbursts. Luck. Relief.

I wake up in the middle of thee night. My legs spasm. Back to square 1. But it's better than square 0. It is done.

There is peace somehow in this. God is with me. And I seem to hear a similar story of fury in the wind outside, while everyone sleeps. Can I join them?

1 comment:

Clare said...

Wow I am right there with you.
Going through that right now.

God is so good no matter what God is always there.