Distracted

There are times I think come on Beth... there's Haiti, there's Chile, there's poverty everywhere, there's adversity everywhere. So get a grip! But yet I can still be completely distracted. Now is one of those times.

It started with genetics, being an athlete, getting MS, still being an athlete. If I still ran, given genetics, I would have bad knees. But instead I have a bad shoulder.

Last summer I trained hard to handcycle Vail Pass, and I did it! It was worth it. But that's when the pain started--it seems so long ago. I tried physical therapy and then a cortisone shot in the shoulder. The pain came back. I thought I should make sure this wasn't really serious so I asked for a "preventive" (in my mind) MRI. It wasn't preventive. I met with 2 surgeons who showed me the MRI and said basically, "now this is bad, and this is bad, and this is related and bad, and it's all related to THIS! which is a BIG problem." This, that, and the other thing are complicated. The second opinion surgeon said, "yup, you're at surgery." Darn.

Denial! OK, I thought, surgery with local anesthetic as an outpatient - I can do that. I'll miss a few days of work and 6 weeks of handcycling and if I don't move my arm, it won't hurt. Well, now I'm told this will all take more time than was in MY schedule and there will be pain without movement. Me, me, me... distracted.

Today denial ended. I scheduled surgery - I do get to wait until after Easter and ski season - me, me, me... And then somehow I suppose this surgery will happen. I "get" to go to the hospital because I have MS. I suppose the precaution of getting admitted for a night is good, again, because I have MS.

I think I'll get through this. I just wish it didn't completely distract me from everything else. I now do everything because I'm afraid of what I will miss after surgery. I have to be at Lori's dance practices. I have to finish all the skiing. I have to help Lori with each piano practice. "Have to" isn't really true - it's just my mindset.

I wish I could just take all of this and hand it to God. I guess I have a bit over a month to think about that.