There are so many topics I want to cover in this little world of mine--my blog. Perhaps one that keeps coming to me is depression. It amazes me that society largely pokes fun at this, or ignores it, when it is so serious. So here I will put my story and my thoughts.
Back in November '07, I had an MS exacerbation which was treated, as usual, with oral steroids. In the past this treatment, though causing somewhat of an emotional roller coaster, gave me a time of uplifting--a brief period of time when my MS improved and I was inclined to clean the entire house.
But this time was different. Yes, I felt physically stronger. But rather than wanting to clean the house, I wanted to read my book. Then when I was done with the steroids, something else happened. I went into a downward emotional spiral. No one knew this but me, because I was being such a great actress. In fact, others probably thought I was happier than ever. When not around people I would cry--everywhere--to and from work--everywhere. I couldn't eat--looking at a plate of food was just not appealing. And each day seemed so very long; I wondered how I would make it through each one. And I wondered when this would end because it was linked to the steroids. It didn't end--it kept going.
Finally after a miserable day of skiing where I seemed like the happiest person on the planet to everyone around me, I went back to the hotel room alone, and cried, and cried, and cried. I wondered what I would say if Pastor Jim asked me "How are you?" I knew I was not well--I finally called my younger brother for advise. He said to call my doctor first thing on Monday. My doctor and I talked on Thursday.
Of course, I went on anti-depressants. They took awhile to work. I remember after 2 days on them, I pulled into my garage and thought maybe I should just end everything, but then reconsidered, thinking I'd give this medicine a few more days. And it did work. I did feel better. I then went through a period of feeling fragile and that ended. It was the medicine, but it was also church. I went to church A LOT. At church I felt at peace, like something was holding me like a baby. I also had wonderful family and friends--once people knew what was happening, they were so helpful. My mentor asked what I was doing for me--I couldn't answer that question. So I sought help. During this time, my pastor came to meet me. I wonder what he thought. I was just starting to get better. I was very much out of reality when we met. He wanted to hear about my faith journey. What? All I knew at that point was that God was holding me at church. Maybe another time I'll write on my faith journey. I do wonder what he thought of me then, when I felt lost and helpless in a way, and he couldn't help.
So, to end this posting, as I said, I did get better. And then there are times, often, when I forget to take my medicine. And then the depression comes back and hits me a bit. And then I wonder why I have to rely on these pills to feel like myself. Today I'm on them--3 days in a row. I was struggling before that. I struggle a bit now. It's a bad MS day and even on the medication, I may cry. But I know that I'm getting better again--that this recovery is from something far less severe than the initial hit. And I cannot wait to be happy most of the time again.
God, please bring that sense of happiness back to my life in a more consistent manner.