Sunday, October 30, 2011

Food for Thought

It's not a topic I discuss much. It's complicated. I wonder if there are any women who have not struggled with it to some degree, at some point in life. Food, that is. And what a strange time to think of this - Halloween!

In high school - that's when I think I first struggled with food, thinking that if I was thinner, I could be faster, that the people who were faster than me were faster beccause they were thinner. This thought that thinner=faster continued at the beginning of college, but then changed. It became, well, I must be having trouble running because I need to lose weight. And then I was diagnosed with MS which changed everything. I have MS - I can eat! And I ate. I thought about food all the time. It consumed me - those thoughts. I weighed at least 25 pounds more than I do now. I ate and ate and ate!

I moved back to Colorado at age 25. Things seemed to calm. I met Dave and found balance. Food no longer consumed me. Everything was fine. Strange to think I had trouble before.

And then - I had a reaction to a medication which caused severe depression. While I noticed something was wrong right away and got help, it took awhile to recover. I hope I never feel that way again. I felt fragile. Everything was overwhelming, including food. If a big plate of food was put in front of me, I would freeze. I couldn't eat any of it. It was too much. I recovered in other areas, but food is still somewhat of an issue. Put a big plate of food in front of me and it causes a strange reaction - wow - this is too much for me.

Then I started Ampyra which has the side affect of making me feel nauseous for most of the day and unable to eat as a result. I sit at my desk at work and work on little bites of things all day long.

This past week, I had breakfast with a friend. I ordered french toast, but oh my - there were 4 pieces. Wasn't there a 2 piece option? The server brought the enormous plate with 4 pieces of french toast and a huge mound of strawberries on top.

My stomach and mind froze. I couldn't eat more than 3 bites of it. I took the rest in a box and snacked on it throughout the day. The big plate was simply too much. Ampyra mostly does this with food. If I needed to lost weight, it would be great for that.

What is great about Halloween candy is that it comes in small packages. I can handle that. Piece by piece I might just eat the whole bag.

And I'll still go to eat at places and take boxes of food home for later. And everyone will say either "aren't you hungry?" or "don't you like the food?"

Maybe someday I'll fid a new balance.


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