Tuesday, November 8, 2011

When it rains, it pours

Sure, I can take anything. I made it through the hottest August ever. I haven't been sick in forever... Sure, certain parts of life have been hard, but I have "the Ampyra effect" going on, so I can handle anything, right? That is quite the attitude!

I was headed into the final weekend before the big draft of my capstone was due (yesterday). In 3 weeks, I plan to be done!

On Friday as part of my capstone project, I pretended to revert back to a programmer and programmed and programmed and programmed until I showed the data that I could handle it! Back in my programming days, I was very good. I think people thought I was better than I really was, but so be it. On Friday, I was in charge. There were 2.5 more days to bring everything together, somewhat (it's still a draft).

Then came Saturday. Surely, when I woke up hot and was slow it was due to the fuzzy red top being too much. Where were my feet? I couldn't really feel them although it felt like a bit of a fire where I thought they were. I started to work. Then one hand got cold and then I couldn't really feel either one. It's really hard to type with one cold hand and both numb.

And then everything came to the same temperature. I somewhat felt my feet. My hands were numb, but I was very warm. And then I was cold. Then I settled with warm and decided to stand to get a Cherry Coke. I got up, but then proceeded to almost do the splits in not staying up, and at my age with no flexibility - ouch!

Reality - I had a fever. I finally figured it out. And I was not in charge.

And yet, I still needed to do a few things. When on the floor, getting into my wheelchair, normally no big deal, was hard and I felt like I was sweating profusely. Everything was a battle. I finally settled on the couch, my husband brought me soup, something was on TV, and I was semi-awake.

Somehow the draft was finished by the due date (but I was just looking at it and there are plenty of typos).

On Sunday I could at least get up. I could do the basics of moving.

On Monday, I was almost back, but I had to watch my energy.

And so, I was reminded that I'm not in charge, that rest is essential. It's strange because instead of listening to the call to rest, I wanted to be in charge - this is my life!

Now I remember what it's like to have a fever with MS. It's horrible. Even a small fever like that takes me and flings me to the ground, daring me to try to get up, to sit, to attempt to stand, when I cannot.

I really dislike when people seem to think it's the same as when they, without MS, get a fever. It's not. It's throw me down, leave me on the floor, dangerous stuff where I could land in a hospital. I don't think people realize that's how it really is.

I now remember the MS fever, and am so thankful it didn't last long. But when these things happen, wouldn't it help to let go of control, to hand things to God, to let go of how the paper would get done, to rest?

Because of course, God is there, and there is...


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