Saturday, February 23, 2008


I've been thinking--dangerous! :)

Way before my daughter was born, my MS was out of control. At that time I looked into getting a stem cell transplant and was really close to getting one. At the same time, I always wanted a child and knew having a stem cell transplant would probably make that impossible. So strange as it may be, we were trying to get pregnant while this stem cell transplant possibility was moving forward. In June of 2002, my grandma died at age 99. Around that same time I got pregnant, finding out right after her memorial in July. My daughter was born 3 days shy of what would have been my grandma's 100th birthday. So there was the answer--no stem cell transplant, because I got the greatest gift of all--a child.

My daughter just turned 5 this past week--time flies! Now I would never consider a transplant because of the risk, because now I have my daughter, and somehow I viewed getting pregnant as a sign from God on what to do. Down the Tysabri path I went, with all signs pointing toward this is the thing to do, until the small melanoma article. And it may be coincidental, and rare, and all that, and I wonder is this some kind of sign for me. But really what I wonder is, where is God right now. I can read all about how God is there as people struggle, and I believe that and maybe should view this as a struggle. But part of me is saying, "Hey wait God, I thought we had a deal--you provide the signs--is this a sign, or is this you telling me to make the choice alone?" God doesn't want us to be alone. God is so many places for me. But where is God here?

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