Friday, October 2, 2009

To Where?

It's now "that time." The exaccerbation happened. I hate that; I hate not being able to control when they're coming or what is going to happen. I hate not knowing how they will resolve after steroids wear off, and of course I hate the emotional roller coaster courtesy of steroids.

So I sat one night in silence at the kitchen table halfway through the course of steroids, waiting to let the dog in, pondering so much of life, where contemplations of things like life are magnified by being on steroids. This attack was upsetting from the start because I felt so out of control of everything, and helpless. On the steroids, I thought about those feelings of helplessness that, in a sense, are there much of the time, not just during attacks. I do get tired after a day of work, regardless of MS, and I often feel helpless in not being able to push myself past the fatigue. And so, I thought, what should I do with all these feelings?

I wrote kind of a letter, or list, to God, on where I could use help figuring things out, and what I wanted to know. This could be done regardless of religion--I just am a religious person. I don't have the list right here, but I know some things on it. The main thing I wanted to know was what was going to happen now, would I be ok, and could I recover. Now, done with the steroids, I think yes, I can recover. I don't know how much. I'm not there yet. I feel better and can walk, though not back to where I was. What will happen now? I will wait and work on walking. I will hope my fingers stop tingling.

Will I be ok? I'm not sure. I hope so. I know God isn't going to make a grand showing to say "Beth! You will be ok!!" But if I have patience to allow healing, some which occurs on its own, some that makes me work at it, then I will be as ok as I can be.

That note--I'll go look at it again tonight--a prayer of sorts. And part of it includes balancing emotions which are still off--happy, very nervous, sad, very angry, etc. They are balancing.

To where? I don't know. Life is a constant adventure where I feel like I'm on a ride down a river.

No comments: