I'm resurrecting my blog!! I haven't written regularly in some time, but lately I have a lot of thoughts going through my mind, and then a few people said they missed my blog.... so here is the first entry of my resurrected blog.
I hesitate in writing this specific post because it is very personal, but I might as well go all out in my blog's resurrection. I suppose in writing this, I hope there is some off chance that someone may see this content and realize there is hope for them, or for someone they know, because I have been told that my problem is a relatively common problem, but that most people quit before they realize they can be helped. It has been tough for me mentally, realizing that if this had been addressed years ago, I could have had much different and better experiences in life. But at least I know now.
The truth, or the problem, is that I have always had extreme anxiety when performing, whether it be piano, flute, singing, public speaking, work presentations, church singing solos, and any other situation when I am doing this stuff alone and not with a group. When I am part of a band, a choir, a group at work…. then I don't have very much anxiety. But alone, I can freeze completely right before I am to begin, or I can freeze in the middle of something, or I can shake, and even if I am not frozen or shaking, I still feel like a deer in headlights.
It is also true, and a definite problem, that throughout my life, I have been told that by doing more presentations, performing more, and being prepared to present something or perform something, that naturally the freezes I have will eventually go away. But over the course of my life, these freezes haven't gone away and, in fact, they have only been getting worse - the more I present, the more I perform, the more I do these things, the worse they get. Add heart palpitations and why do I continue to torture myself in this way?
Presentations and performances have always been things I challenge myself to do, and they have never been fun. I've been following the thought process that if I volunteer enough, I will get better. And I don't like to quit either, so I shake, my voice shakes, my mind goes blank, my heart races. And then I engage in a negative post-presentation self-destruction "technique" called performance bashing that only serves to fuel the same anxiety the next time I have to perform or present something.
But there is a good ending to this - or I anticipate there will be a good ending because someone finally told me these experiences aren't normal and that there is help!! I think the kind of help I am getting is relatively new - I don't recall ever hearing of this type of thing growing up, and I think if it had existed, someone would easily have pulled me aside and talked to me about it.
So how did I discover help? I have been taking voice lessons for a few years, and once mentioned my freezing and nervousness to my voice coach. Without pausing, she said, “Oh, you just need to talk to Jon - he can fix that.” And that began a new journey, one of acknowledging who I am, identifying triggers, looking into the whys of these triggers. But it isn't quite as simple as "Jon can fix that," because I've been doing the same thing for my whole life. Instead of a quick fix, I've been on a deep search for answers, for reasons. It hasn't been easy; at times it is emotionally intense and draining, and yet going through this has also been accompanied by happiness.
How do we break cycles? In my case, I'm working through stages of dealing with anxiety. I'm recognizing that when my mind goes blank, my brain thinks I am in danger and gets stuck there. As a start, I have to break that danger feeling; if I can do that, I have to breathe. If I can breathe, then I can think.... and so on.
And while I work on strategies outside of presentations, when I am not frozen, the hope is to apply those strategies when I get to the frozen state, or to stop myself before I get to being frozen.
Why has this been emotionally intense and draining? First, I'm almost 50 - I've lived my whole life using strategies that didn't work, now realizing this could have been stopped at a much younger age. It's been many years of self-torture that I haven't enjoyed, and along with that, the joy that comes with performing has largely been absent. It's also been emotionally intense and draining because I want to know why - why am I like this, but not in all situations? Why do I have these problems? Did something cause this? Yes and no - it's been an intense search. And I am grateful that I have been able to do this searching.
I have also found joy in performing with a group. While I did have a bit of joy in the past, it hasn't been like what I experienced recently, when all of a sudden I was performing with a group and realized I haven't had this much fun performing - that was its own intense moment.
In writing all of this, acknowledging the somewhat painful process of finding a way to joy, I wonder how many other people like me are out there? I've had this since I was a kid - I assume kids out there today have this same problem, and they are being told to just keep presenting, just be prepared, and eventually everything will be ok. What if someone realized it isn't going to be ok to keep doing the same thing again and again; what if someone realized this in kids struggling; what if those struggling kids got help and found joy? What if someone realized the teenager in speech class needed more than repeated speeches to get better? What if someone realized the college student who struggled with presentations had given plenty or presentations, so their nervousness was due to something else that could be fixed?
I don't work with kids much at all. Maybe someone will read this, see a kid, a teenager, a college student, or someone else who is struggling, and can reach out to help them. Maybe this can lead to other people being helped through anxiety. In this journey, my greatest hope is that others get help with anxiety as kids, teenagers, college students... at younger ages, so they can experience the joy I have found at almost 50 years old.
Peace.
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