I hardly write this blog anymore. There are multiple reasons. I wonder if anyone even looks at it anymore. Several people have told me I should compile all the entries and make a book - maybe someday that will happen. I’m writing this entry just for me, but this blog is a good spot to put my thoughts.
December comes each year and used to be a happy time every year - it’s my birthday month - it’s Advent and then Christmas. And then one year something happened that changed everything and made everything so hard - impossible. Since then each December comes and each December I am met with a sense of dread, often losing my appetite and when I look at food, getting the feeling that I can’t eat anything.
This December was the same and I couldn’t piece together why because it has been so long that I forgot about dreading December. Years ago I was on one medication that made me feel so good that I stopped taking another medication and that was a big mistake. Over just the next few days I launched myself into a deep depression. I cried all the way to work, anytime I could find a bathroom, all the home, when I got home... my daughter was very young. One day I came home from work, drove into the garage, sighed, and strongly considered ending my life there. The only reason I didn’t proceed was because then there would be no one to pick up my daughter from daycare. And so I continued to live. I felt a presence at church urging me to seek help. I called my doctor who told me he would get me through this. I don’t think he understood how serious things were. Somehow I made it through the next few days after that day in the garage. But December was ruined. I felt fragile. Everything felt “too much.” Food would be placed in front of me and it was “too much.” I think someone else did the holiday shopping that year. Gradually I got better. But December comes each year and along with it, a feeling of dread.
But there are good parts of December also. Today I walked 2.5mph on the treadmill at physical therapy for 16 minutes, and I have never walked that fast since my comeback started - and certainly not for 16 minutes. I keep gaining strength and getting faster. I can stand for extended periods just holding onto my walker with one hand. Around our house I am using crutches instead of my walker. And all this is exciting.
Life is such a mix - hold on - it’s quite a ride. And God is with us, through it all.
Peace.
