Saturday, December 24, 2016

Through the noise

Last Christmas Eve I wrote about finding silence with my cup of coffee each morning, and thinking of my godparents and how they were great role models for me, and how last Christmas was the first Christmas without both of them.

I really did love my morning coffee and quiet time. After an iron deficiency problem was identified, triggered by my diet of too much coffee and dairy, not enough foods containing iron, and resulting antacids to combat the too much coffee, I gave up coffee, which meant no more antacids......  But I miss my period of silence in the morning and instead find myself trying to get a bit more sleep and then rushing to get ready.

Earlier this week I had a somewhat panicked feeling - a friend of mine decided to stop what had become absolutely miserable chemo treatments and choose quality of life over quantity, which means that she is now in hospice.  I hadn't heard from her in more than the usual time period in which I hear from her, but I didn't want to bother her either, knowing there is a ton of fatigue and pain right now.  I finally did reach out and there she was - sending me a message back that she is ok, has pain and fatigue, but it is being controlled as much as possible.  I struggle with this - not wanting to ever lose my friend, but yet knowing that life never goes on eternally here on earth.  But I have my friend for this Christmas, while I remember loss last Christmas.

Advent does tend to have this strange cycle for me - we should experience joy, and some years I do, and yet other years not so much, and this year seems to be a mix.

This year my daughter started doing competitive dancing which makes me feel always on the go to something, between that, working, and trying to keep the house so we can still see the floor.  And in December, with the Nutcracker, she had plenty of dance rehearsals.

In between work, dance, and other things, somehow I found time to get presents this year.  That was a challenge.

Physically, I am doing very well.  I keep improving, thanks to Ampyra and physical therapy.  It might be invisible to most, because improvements tend to be in functional areas, like I can now pump gas without feeling like I am going to fall.  I have started to climb steps without needing someone to always lift my legs for me.  When I go to concerts this really gives great concern to people who do not know me and tell me I can always sit where there are no steps.  What?!!  Give me steps - they are fun!  And the view from higher is often better than the lower view.

All of this stuff happening is noise.  As I was preparing a devotion for church council last week, I got to the prayer part, where I was to say a prayer.  And I didn't feel like filling a prayer with words.  So I found silence in the midst of prayer.  And it hit me that silence can be found there - finding those moments to pray, one can simply insert silence.  And silence has its own way of being beautiful.

Merry Christmas, and as you enjoy great joy accompanied by the noise of spending time with family and friends, may you also find moments or times of silence where there is so often


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