Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Receive, find, open, and hope...

"So I say to you, ask, and it will be given you; search, and you will find; knock, and the door will be opened for you. For everyone who asks receives, and everyone who searches finds, and for everyone who knocks, the door will be opened."
- Luke 11:9

The hymn that goes with this verse - I love it. It's really simple. It's also really beautiful.

This entry is going to use that verse and hymn; it's about education - some about me finishing my Masters after 4.5 years... one class at a time. But the verse - ask, search, knock - receive, find, open - has nothing to do in the Bible with me going through school, but this process of school - I have felt as if I have asked, searched, knocked, and then received, found, and opened. No matter what happens now, there's an open door.

In the midst of finishing this thing, I got to start on Ampyra, so I am stronger, can figure things out. Like the baby that discovers its body parts relate together - that hands go together and work together - I have found that if I think, and then believe (equally as important), and then think again, body parts work together. If one foot slides into what used to be a fall, the other foot can hold, and when I then process things right, I can tell the foot that slid to come back, and it moves. If the walker goes too fast, I can process and pull it back. None of this is automatic, but it is happening.

So school has taught so much and I have gained strength. I have a supportive family who loves me. But nothing is perfect and the whole process has not been one of joy. As I look at a fairly recent timeline, I see change. I see me saying "this is not right" and then in return, looking like I was wrong. I see being told that things that were told to me are not going to happen. I see someone thinking they were going to help by also speaking up to say this is not right. I see myself then being forced through a process to verify for others that they must be right. I see me struggling to continue to hold everything together. I see myself continuing to live with similar behavior which is being made to look justified when in reality, it is pushing me back. But I'm continuing. Others attempt payback for something I did - except I don't know what I did. But I do know that I will continue. And I know that in these very difficult spots in life, I can still move forward. I can get my Masters. I can get stronger. These are the things that matter.

People ask what is next. I have many thoughts. But what I want now are 2 things. I want family and to be a mom - to be with Lori and not into a book or paper. And I want to continue to get stronger. I want to push the limits of therapy and see if I can get even stronger and make more of those connections work. I want the top half of my body to realize it's connected to the bottom half. Then I could stand straight.

There's a third thing I have that I want to continue: hope.
"Hope prevents us from clinging to what we have and frees us to move away from the safe place and enter unknown and fearful territory."
- Henri J.M. Nouwen

That's going to help me get from what seems safe (but is not) to the unknown and fearful (which is better and probably safe).

And so with all this, I celebrate something I never thought would happen. I can't wait to cross the stage.


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