Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Nothing is the same

Today I showed up at physical therapy. My therapist took one look at me and asked "are you tired?" It WAS 5:30, but...

Backtrack 3 days...

"Please God, don't let this happen to me again. I can't go through this again. I don't think I can do it." Tears.

Backtrack about a week. "Hi Beth. We're switching your medicine. You see, the drug company's patent is about to expire, so they have created basically a new version of what you have. We're switching everyone to that until the generic becomes available, and then we can switch you back."

Well, if it's the same thing, then I guess it's fine. This medicine helps with fatigue. Without it, I am super tired. Once I went off this medicine for a few days. And then, Beth went away and was replaced by someone who was extremely depressed. It took months for Beth to fully return.

Nothing is the same. Everything, to some degree, is different.

The dosing for the new medicine is different. This past weekend I started the new medicine. And it's not the same, because, nothing is the same.

Today I was told to increase the dose.

I hope that works.

I haven't felt the same. I've felt tired. Beth is still here, but it's a somewhat subdued Beth. Somewhat subdued Beth isn't really Beth. This Beth likes to just sit and look at the walls. But it IS still Beth, because this post is being written, as opposed to me being off in a corner, crying.

I know God can't change this, and that God is with me through this. And everything will be ok.

And yet, I think I'll still ask God tonight for taking the whole pill to work.

I guess I'm being difficult again (see earlier post). But, as per earlier post, define difficult. People need to listen and respond, rather than pass something along to someone else. This will all work out. There will be fewer tears. I'll be happy soon.

And God will be right here with me along the way.


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